July 8, 2009

Don’t Should All Over Yourself

Posted by pollyanna? under Change, Getting Started | Tags: , , |
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Everybody shoulds.

I should call my mom. I should do the dishes. I shouldn’t eat so much.

But you know what? We shouldn’t.

This came up yesterday as I was talking to a friend who had been laid off from work. She was feeling… wonderful. Not what you expected? It’s not what she expected, either. She said, “I know I should feel upset…” Why was she trying to convince herself to feel bad about something she felt great about? Because her feelings weren’t the norm; they weren’t what she thought they would be… or should be.

To me “should” is a gentle reminder. When I hear a should, I ask myself, “is this really something that needs my attention or is it just a bunch of should?” If it needs my attention, then I deal with whatever it is. (Should I do the dishes? Yes, they are piling up.) I find that a lot of the time, I’m knee deep in a big pile of should for no good reason.

I often look at a should and try to figure out the underlying cause. Perfectionism? Self-criticism? Control? Fear? Looking at the root enables me to tackle the source and then let go of the should. “I should know better” can become a chance to learn from a mistake instead of an opportunity to beat myself up. “I should be able to” is a reminder to look at my priorities and be sure I want to and can commit to something. “I shouldn’t be so ___” can be a great way to look at ourselves more gently and embrace ourselves just was we are.

I invite you to join me… let’s all stop shoulding on ourselves.

 

July 4, 2009

The Cost of Freedom

Posted by pollyanna? under Uncategorized
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This post isn’t what you think it is. It’s not about July 4th or our nation’s independence. But it is about a fight for freedom.

I am planning a trip and have been waiting to book airfare because there might be a change in my return date. I have been watching the fares ($178 one day, $148 the next), but continued to wait, figuring prices might plummet closer to my date of travel. I checked again today and fares were $422. $422! I had crossed the 2-week line. “What an idiot!” I thought to myself. I didn’t buy the cheap fare because I didn’t want to get hit with a $50 change fee for switching dates. And now a single flight costs more than the entire round trip would have been. “Idiot, idiot, idiot.”

And then I thought, “What a terrible thing to say.”

Why was I being so hard on myself?

I thought the 2-week mark was a thing of the past in this day and age of Priceline, Kayak, Expedia, Travelocity, etc, etc, etc. But it’s not. I didn’t realize. And instead of saying, “this is a lesson learned,” I just beat myself up. I can’t travel back in time and book the cheaper tickets. I can’t magically penetrate the website and say, “please, won’t you give me these for what they once were?” It just doesn’t work that way.

So, as it happens, I am contemplating the price of freedom today on a personal level… what is the price of freedom from my own negativity? Is it $50 for a change fee? Is it $148 (the cheapest fare I saw)? Is it $422 (the current cost)? Or perhaps there’s no price at all. Perhaps it’s, well, free. Perhaps being free from my own negative self-talk only costs patience, kindness, willingness to change, and a belief that at my core I am a good person – and not an idiot. I can afford that.

So why does shelling out all that extra money to buy a ticket still sting?

 

June 22, 2009

My Life’s Work

Posted by pollyanna? under Happiness, Love | Tags: , , , , , |
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Another Monday is here. Many (dare I say most?) of us are rolling out of bed, dreading the prospect of facing another day at the office. Casualties of these economic times may be lamenting the loss of a job that made them unhappy in the first place. Regardless of your situation, work (or the lack of it) is probably a big part of your life.

I feel very lucky because I enjoy my job. But I have my bad days. And sometimes those days stretch into bad weeks. Last week was one such week and I was really doubting myself. Was I any good at my job? Is it what I’m meant to be doing? What is my life’s work?

Then someone asked me a simple question that has been on my mind since. “What if your life’s work is to love yourself?”

Whoa.

This was a mirror moment, a revelation. Here I was looking for value externally – from my boss at work – and gauging my own value internally by what I saw there – approval or disapproval. By shifting the paradigm and looking internally for worth, I saw that I could bring a sense of confidence, wonder and joy to all my affairs. Perhaps I won’t always agree or gel with the external, but having a strong internal core is my foundation. And when it comes down to it, it’s all I have.

Why do so many of us (me included) forget that? I guess the why doesn’t really matter. What matters is the how to get there. I think awareness is the first step. Realizing that we have this tendency to seek validation from others rather than ourselves. Next we have to hold within our consciousness the idea that we can love ourselves in every moment. The past few days (since I had this eye-opening conversation), I have been listening to my internal thoughts and asking myself, if I had a child would I see him or her this way? Absolutely not. He or she would be the most precious thing to me. Don’t I deserve to be precious, too? Don’t we all?

Whether you’re looking for work or have a job, maybe you’ve felt frustration like me. Maybe you’ve found yourself wondering what to do with your life. Maybe your life’s work is to love yourself, too. And maybe all of us together can bring a little more light and love to the world.

 

June 7, 2009

Michael Jackson’s Message of Change

Posted by pollyanna? under Change | Tags: , , |
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High school assemblies were always a chance to get out of class and chat surreptitiously with friends while someone went “blah, blah, blah” about something or other in the school’s cafeteria that had been reconfigured especially for the occasion. Most of these assemblies are all rolled into one distant blur in my mind. But there is one that still stands out vividly.

Mr. What’s-His-Name was the high school guidance counselor. Not the college type who told you that tests indicated you should be a social worker and go to XYZU, but the emotional type. The type who was there to chat with teens about their well-being and offer support. I talked with What’s-His-Name a few times. He was a nice guy. Decent. And I enjoyed talking with him, trusted him. We were buds. Until this particular assembly.

Mr. What’s-His-Name was the speaker and he came prepared with a fully-loaded boombox. (It had a cassette player.) His plan? To spread a message of hope to teens using their rock-and-roll music. His selection? Michael Jackson.

His speech was designed to inspire us students to look at our own lives. To spurn us toward the revolution of meaningful transformation. To, as MJ so poetically put it, “make a change… starting with the man in the mirror.”

What’s-His-Name made his speech and then played the song.

It was soooo cheesy. My adolescent self was outraged. I felt cheated. I felt betrayed by one of my few adult buddies. Michael Jackson? Man in the Mirror? Oh, puh-leeze. I was angry at myself, too, for finding the song catchy. I blamed What’s-His-Name for that and then did what any self-respecting rebellious teen in my shoes would do: I mocked the man mercilessly. Not MJ, but our guidance counselor, What’s-His-Name. Not to his face, of course, because that would have been mean. I imitated him and quoted the song as I strolled down the halls of Anyville HS, USA, offering it up as advice to anyone who needed help. Essay? Start with the man in the mirror. Detention? Make a change. Gym class? Take a look at yourself.

Sigh.

In my adult years, I have come to realize that MJ was right, at least in this instance, and that Mr. What’s-His-Name did a good thing with his assembly speech. The message is a valid one. And along with Socrates and Thoreau, MJ stands the test of time:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror (ooh!)
I’m asking him to change his ways (ooh!)
…
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

And to Mr. What’s-Your-Name, it may have taken awhile to get through to this particular former teen, but your message did sink in. Thanks.

 

June 3, 2009

An Open Letter to My Heart

Posted by militanthippie under Love | Tags: , , |
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My Dearest One,

My big, red soldier, you vigilantly hammer out my life’s rhythm by the second so that I can give the world the gifts of light and love.

And how have I, your one and only, chosen to repay you?

I’ve been a woefully neglectful compatriot. I’ve not marched up nearly enough peaks to feel your exhilarated beat at the triumphant overlooks of our life. Instead of being immersed in and spreading your light, I’ve dashed you into darkness, spreading hurt, spite and resentment to the world.

There are times – few and far between, I admit – that I look upon fondly when I was open to you. When your light left me feeling warm and fuzzy every time we embraced. When I wanted and wished for the whole world to feel the same way I did. I miss those days now.

I fear we may have strayed too far from each other to turn back. But the percussive pain I feel in my breast reminds me that you will never give up on me. Not until we are meant to give up together. And so, it is my turn to be the soldier.

Crawling out from my fox hole with the scars of what has been written across my face, I make this solemn oath:

I’m sorry if I have caused you pain. I can’t change what has been, but I can change right now.  I promise that from this day forward, when faced with the choice of lightness or darkness, I will choose you. Always.

You still have so much to teach me. And I have so much to learn. I think it might take a lifetime, or more, to experience the full essence of your power, light and passion.

Love, of course,

militanthippie

 

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